Broken Pilgrim

Good Tears

The past 2 or more years have a been a rough time for me. Lots of loss and difficulty. Areas in my life where I need healing: physically, mentally and spiritually. I know I'm not alone in this.

Last night I drove the nearly 4 hours to Grand Rapids from my home so as to attend the Calvin Symposium on Worship. It was a sad time. Lots of grieving and light tears as I reflected on pain, loss, etc. Actually good, but rough time, with Jesus.

So this morning I got to Calvin's chapel about an hour early (deliberately) to spend time reading, reflecting, praying, journaling. While I was there the chapel band was practicing for the upcoming worship service.

Was writing in my journal about my deep sense of aloneness and isolation, which I long for others to fill, while knowing they cannot. The struggle to still try to press into relationships while looking only unto Jesus. My inclination to withdraw. Asking Jesus, what is He doing? What need I be doing?

Then turned to the Divine Hours. The Request for Presence was Psalm 62:6: "For God alone my soul in silence waits; truly my hope is in him." (BCP)

Simple, common text but timing was such that this text pierced deeply and rightly into my heart. Almost immediately choked up.

Then the band broke into "Psalm 62 (My Soul Finds Rest)". Completely unexpected. Completely lost it (but thankfully didn't make a scene). Completely transcendent moment of God's love to me.

Good tears.

I Praise You for What Is Yet to Be

I've geen slowly praying my way through Guerrillas of Grace: Prayers for the Battle by Ted Loder (highly recommended!). Yesterday I ran across, through, beyond and back to a prayer that I can't let go. I commend it to you.

I PRAISE YOU FOR WHAT IS YET TO BE
Wondrous Worker of Wonders,
I praise you, not alone for what has been,
or for what is,
but for what is yet to be,
for you are gracious beyond all telling of it.
I praise you
that out of the turbulence of my life
a kingdom is coming,
is being shaped even now
out of my slivers of loving,
my bits of trusting,
my sprigs of hoping,
my tootles of laughing,
my drips of crying,
my smidgens of worshiping;
that out of my songs and struggles,
out of my griefs and triumphs,
I am gathered up and saved,
for you are gracious beyond all telling of it.
I praise you
that you turn me loose
to go with you to the edge of now and maybe,
to welcome the new,
to see my possibilities,
to accept my limits,
and yet being living to the limit
of passion and compassion
until, released by joy,
I uncurl to other people
and to your kingdom coming.
for you are gracious beyond all telling of it.

There are many uncertainties I'm currently facing in my life and in my future. But this prayer so beautifully reminded me of the adventure of the journey with Jesus. Thanks be to God!

Luther and Spiritual Nurture

So I've been reading Luther's Prayers by um...well...Martin Luther. These prayers come from his reflections on the Lord's Prayer. Today, with prayer #55, I've gotten to his prayers that elaborate on the 4th petition, 'Give us today our daily bread'. This first of Luther's prayers in this section is entitled 'For Spiritual Nuture'. Really like what he does here:

This bread is our Lord Jesus Christ who feeds and comforts the soul. Therefore, oh heavenly Father, grant us grace that the life, words, works, and sufferings of Christ may be preached, made known, and preserved for us and all the world. Help us to keep his words and works in all walks of life as a powerful example and an inducement to every virtue. Enable us in our sufferings and tribulations to be strengthened and comforted by his sufferings and cross. Help us to conquer our death by a firm faith in his victory over death and boldly follow our beloved Leader into the life beyond. Amen.

While there can be no perfect encapsulation of a life pursuing it's own spiritual nurture, this comes pretty close.

Love the reminder that Jesus names Himself as the Bread of Life and the consequent application to this line in the Lord's Prayer.

Love the similarity to John Calvin's discussion of the sacraments and his reminder that they are for 'feasting on Jesus'.

Love the focus on grace.

Love the fulness of Christ's life that is to be known and experienced.

Love the acknowledgement that while this life does have suffering and tribulation, we can be strengthened and comforted in the face of it.

Love the reminder that this life is not the end of life.

Amen!

Thomas Merton Vistas

I have feelings of ambivalence towards Thomas Merton. Sometimes he speaks words that pierce through to my inmost being opening up new vistas as I think of, on and towards God. Other times I want to burn the book.

Today was a Vista Day.

I've been spending some time in his Book of Hours, a 'prayerbook' composed entirely of Merton's own words, a simultaneously dubious and intriguing idea. Sometimes I'm more in the 'burn the book' mode. But today? Not so much...

You have made my soul for Your peace and Your silence, but it is lacerated by the noise of my activity and my desires. My mind is crucified all day by its own hunger for experience, for ideas, for satisfaction. And I do not possess my house in silence.

But I was created for Your peace and You will not despise my longing for the holiness of Your deep silence. O my Lord, You will not leave me forever in this sorrow, bcause I have trusted in You and I will wait upon Your good pleasure in peace and without complaining any more. This. for Your glory.

Good Shepherd, You have a wild and crazy sheep in love with thorns and brambles. But please don't get tired of looking forme! I know You won't. For You have found me. All I have to do is stay found.

My mind is scattered among things, not because of my work, but because I am not detached and I do not attend first of all to God.

What I need most of all is the grace to really accept God as He gives Himself to me in every situation.

This is what it means to seek God perfectly:
to withdraw
from illusion and pleasure,
from worldy anxieties and desires,
from the works that God does not want,
from a glory that isonly human display;
to keep my mind free from confusion
  in order that
my liberty may be always at the disposal
  of His will;
to entertain silence in my heart
  and listen for the
voice of God.

Sapiennia [wisdom]. To know and taste the secret good that is present but is not known to those who, because they are discontent and because they complain, cannot apprehend it. the present good - reality - God. Gustate et videte [taste and see]

Lots to chew on and reflect in depth as regards my own soul and life. What are the good gifts of God that have become a distraction? What in my own self is a barrier to finding my truest self? Why do I frolic in thorns and brambles? How (and why) can I attach to detachment that I might attach to the One who is worthy? Can I be wise?

Prayer for Wisdom

I have really enjoyed using the Moravian Daily Texts as both guide and content. I found today's prayer particularly astute:

Lord, you are our help today. Have mercy on us. Grant us the wisdom to chooe wholeness and health in our words and actions as we live the hours you hvae set before us. We step forth by the Spirit of your son, Jesus. Amen.

Simple. But powerful. How many of us, myself included, are truly inclined towards the wise way? I find that all too often I'm inclined towards MY way…and that's NOT a way of wholeness and health. And forget about the Spirit.

But.

If I would but listen, if I would but heed the call, if we would but. Well, then we'd find that the Spirit longs to bring a new inclination.

Wholeness in the Spirit. True health in the Spirit.

Lord, mercy.

 

A Hymn for Broken People

Reading today in the Moravian Daily Texts, the second hymn quote struck me as particularly appropriate for broken people...which means me...you...all of us.

Christ bids each afflicted soul
'Come that I may soothe your grief.
No one who is strong and whole
needs a doctor for relief;
therefore have no fear, draw nigh,
that your want I may supply.'

I think that I really need to get my hands on a copy of the Moravian Book of Worship...so many great texts from there.

Thanksgiving Prayer

On this Thanksgiving Day, as part of my reading, journaling and praying, I rediscovered this prayer from The Open Gate: Celtic Prayers for Growing Spiritually by David Adam.

Thanks be to thee, O God,
That I have risen today.

I have risen to life,
I have risen to love,
Thanks be to thee, O God.

You have opened my eyes,
You have given me breath,
You have made me move.

Thanks be to thee, O God,
For you walk with me,
For I dwell in you,
And you dwell in me.

Thanks be to thee, O God,
For this day and my rising.

Earlier in the day, I had been listening to an episode of Pray As You Go which featured music based on Acts 17:28. In this verse Paul quotes the poet Epimedes of Crete (c. 600 B.C.) as saying, 'In him we live and move and have our being.' (ESV) And that's exactly what this Celtic prayer from David Adam is all about.

I am thankful for this truth. And I am challenged. For if positionally I am in God and find my ground of being there, then my deepest satisfaction in life can only lie in the pursuit of experientially living that which is true.

Thanks be to God.

Let Yourself Be Loved

Today I was sitting at the Getty Center in LA, doing some reading, reflecting and journaling. While doing so, Psalm 147:12 (in the BCP, verse 11 in most other versions) jumped out at me:

But the LORD has pleasure in those who fear him,
  in those who await his gracious favor.

And I noticed something new, at least new to me. I'm familiar with the idea that 'those who fear him' is not saying 'those who are afraid of him'. Rather this idea of fear is much closer to the idea of complete worship. Acknowledgment that God is God and giving him honor and reverence. Following God with all intents and purposes. Worship.

But I'd never seen the connective tissue in this verse before. The last phrase is not a stand alone thought. It is an expansion of what it means to fear, or worship, God. 'Await his gracious favor' or as the ESV says, 'hope in his steadfast love'. So I'm going to shout what this means.

TO WORSHIP GOD IS TO LET OURSELVES BE LOVED.

Earlier in the day I ran across a quote from Irenaeus from his Against Heresies (Book 4, 13). And no. I wasn't reading Against Heresies. Have you read it? I didn't think so. I found it in O Come Emmanuel by William Marshall (and thanks to Bruce Benedict for recommending it). Anyway. Back to Irenaeus. He said:

It was not because God needed man that he first formed Adam. He was simply looking for recipients who might receive his benefits.

This so fits with this verse from Psalm 147. What God desires is to give and God longs for people who want to be given to (dangling preposition and all). In fact go back and read that verse in context (verses 8-12 in the BCP, 7-11 in the ESV, etc.). The first of the verses is simply a call to worship in song and with thanks. The verses go on to describe God as Provider. The penultimate verse then makes it clear that God is not looking for anything or impressed by anything that comes from His creation including humankind. (or…as I wrote in my journal…God couldn't give a crap about what we can do). From there the psalmist affirms that God wants those who fear Him, worship Him and to do so by awaiting 'his gracious favor'.

Of course that word 'await' or 'hope' is key. We don't demand favor or love or benefits. And certainly not on any terms or timetable that we set. We simply receive.

So again I'll shout…

TO WORSHIP GOD IS TO LET MYSELF BE LOVED

How about you?

In Praise of Loneliness

I am often lonely. And, ironically, I know that I'm not alone in this. But of course that's irrelevant to how loneliness 'feels'.

Sometimes the loneliness is just a background hum, a vague sense that everything is not as I would wish it to be relationally. At other times the awareness of being lonely is a din so loud that it drowns everything else out, like crashing waves on a rocky shore in the midst of a massive storm.

And I need this loneliness. Oh, not in some sort of masochistic poor martyr me way. Rather, it is an essential marker and reminder to help me gain perspective and navigate this life.

So I ask myself, 'Am I lonely because I've been too self-focused on my own needs and desires rather than seeking to meet the needs and desires of others?' Often the answer is yes. In my unfortunately never ending egocentrism, I often fail to be present to and for others. Loneliness can be the prod to love. To give.

More importantly I have to ask, 'Am I lonely because I've been looking to others to fulfill for me what only Jesus can fill?' Invariably the answer to this is always yes at some level. For I have yet to tune my heart completely to that which my heart truly longs for. But when I reflect on my loneliness, it calls me to know that I am loved. To receive.

So I struggle with loneliness. I hate it. I long for it to go away.

But I need it.

Breathing

It has been a long, long time since I have posted anything in this blog. But I found in the past that the process of posting (read as 'intentional thinking and reflecting') is good for my soul. So I hope to return. At least for today, I am returning.

The Moravians have a daily devotional guide that I use regularly (okay...semi-regularly...alright, alright!...occasionally). One of the verses for today is Psalm 94:11, which they combined with one of the stanzas from a hymn in their hymnbook (#494...whichever one that is). In the ESV Psalm 94:10b-11 says:

He who teaches man knowledge—
    the LORD—knows the thoughts of man,
    that they are but a breath.

And then the hymn stanza:

Breathe on me, breath of God,
    my will to yours incline,
until this selfish part of me
    glows with your fire divine.

God is the source of all. He knows the naked truth…that we are the source of nothing. The question is whether I know that…at least more than in an abstract way?

And if I do, then I must pray as the hymn, lifting up my plea for God's active breath, his breathing, his Spirit…overwhelming all that is not…'right'…in me…until what is in me alone is God's pure fire.

Burn in me.

Don't Grieve! Party!

This morning I was reading in Nehemiah 8. The walls of Jerusalem have just been rebuilt, the city is being resettled and Ezra spent the better part of the day reading the Book of Law, God's Word to His people, to all the people gathered in the square, people who had never heard the Book of Law being actually read. Others with difficult to pronounce names helped in the reading and the teaching. Nehemiah 8:8 (ESV) says that they "gave the sense, so that the people understood the reading." So what happened?

And Nehemiah, who was the governor, and Ezra the priest and scribe, and the Levites who taught the people said to all the people, "This day is holy to the LORD your God; do not mourn or weep." For all the people wept as they heard the words of the Law. Then he said to them, "Go your way. Eat the fat and drink sweet wine and send portions to anyone who has nothing ready, for this day is holy to our Lord. And do not be grieved, for the joy of the LORD is your strength." So the Levites calmed all the people, saying, "Be quiet, for this day is holy; do not be grieved." And all the people went their way to eat and drink and to send portions and to make great rejoicing, because they had understood the words that were declared to them. (Nehemiah 8:9-12 ESV)

I'll be honest. This passage jumped at me out of nowhere and I've had tear filled eyes throughout. What a beautiful, pastoral picture. As the Word, the Law, pierced their hearts, the people's natural response was to grieve. But their leaders were much wiser. They understood that while it might be the natural response, it was not the right one. The right response was actually joy, from the Lord, overflowing into celebration for all. So the leaders comforted and guided.

Mayhap this explains why confession has become such a beautiful thing for me. I used to have much sorrow and grief when I'd respond to God's truth in confession. But now I find that I can't help but be joyful and celebrate the goodness of God to me. Always.

Perhaps the culmination of this process can be found in the Sacrament of the Lord's Supper. I grew up being taught that this is a somber time wherein we are to feel bad. It was never so bluntly said, but it was always so bluntly modeled. But over the years, my approach to the table has completely changed. What used to be a natural response of grief, has become, rightly to my way of thinking, a deep joy and celebration of the good news in Jesus Christ.

There's a reason it is often called the Celebration of the Lord's Supper.

So don't grieve. There is unbelievable good news. Celebrate!

A Prayer

A prayer from today's Moravian Daily Texts:

Word of God most holy, give us ears to hear. So often we wish to hear your voice, but listen only for the words which we wish to hear. May our hearts long only for your truth. Amen.

Ain't that the truth? At least it is for me.

Kyrie eleison

Yet even now…

I was reading earlier today in Joel and came across a favorite couple of verses:

"Yet even now," declares the Lord,
    "return to me with all your heart,
with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning;
    and rend your hearts and not your garments."
Return to the LORD, your God,
    for he is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love;
    and he relents over disaster.

Joel 2:12-13 (ESV)

This time I was particularly captured by the three opening words: Yet even now. The Lord always provides a "yet even now". There is no sin too great, no time too long, no hard heartedness so hard, no anything so anything that you could imagine that He would cease to be the loving Father welcoming home the prodigal child with grace and mercy.

And that makes me very, very, very happy.

Good Lenten happiness.

Ashes

Then I turned my face to the Lord God, seeking him by prayer and pleas for mercy with fasting and sackcloth and ashes.

Daniel 9:3 (ESV)

And so the beautiful season of Lent begins this day, this Ash Wednesday.

Lord, have mercy.
Christ, have mercy.
Lord, have mercy.

Life!

Part of my readings today included a selection from Deuteronomy 33. Moses, at the end of his life, has called on Israel to take to heart the Torah, the law that  God has entrusted to them through him. He then says …

For it is no empty word for you, but your very life. (Deut. 33:47a ESV)

It would be easy to assume that this means that by following the law, life is gained. There is some truth in that. In fact the Israelites were promised long life in the land if they followed the law. But what would Jesus say? Is there something more, something deeper? Well, let's look at His words:

You search the Sriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; and it is they that bear witness about me, yet you refuse to come to me that you may have life. (John 5:39-40 ESV)

The law, the Scriptures, the very Word of God is not a cypher to be decoded to find the way to live and thus has life. The Word of God is the doorway to the Word of God. Life in relationship with the everliving Son of God.

The Word of God is not primarily about moral living.

It is about relationship.

It is about life.

LeChaim!

Take 5 on the 5th

Psalm 5 came up today as part of my readings I'm doing from the Moravian Daily Texts. It was verse 3 that really captured my attention today:

O LORD, in the morning
      you hear my voice;
  in the morning I prepare a sacrifice
      for you and watch.

(Psalm 5:3 ESV)

The text note indicates that "prepare a sacrifice" may mean "direct my prayer to you." This would of course be consistent with the first part of the verse. Perhaps the Psalmist is implying that prayer itself is a sacrifice pleasing to God. So knowing that God will hear him, he prepares his thoughts in an ordered way (the sense of the Hebrew) and lays them before God. The NIV might capture this better when it says "in the morning I lay my requests before you."

But what is this word "watch".  It has the sense of "keeping watch." The NIV translates it as "wait in expectation." This is no passive waiting. This is active passivity. Looking with hope and expectation for the coming of God, for His supply and provision.

Pray.

Shut up.

Wait …

… with eyes wide open,

… with Christmas morning eyes.

This is creating space for God.

More Joy, Please!

I love when a verse makes me stop and grab something fresh. It might be new or old, but still fresh. Here's Psalm 4:7 (ESV):

You have put more joy in my heart
  than they have when their grain and
      wine abound!

No material thing, NO MATERIAL THING, can begin to compare to the inner joy that comes from God alone. So why do we so repeatedly fall prey to the lie? Okay, maybe you don't … but I do. I need to continue to let God press this truth deeper into my heart. Ephesians 1:3 (ESV) says:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places …

I like that word "every". Nothing else is needed. Not grain. Not wine. Not a bigger house, more cash for flash or even an iPhone.

O mighty Father, loving Son, guiding Spirit, enlarge my heart for more of Your joy. Strip away those things and thoughts and desires that fill my heart in Your place. I want to laugh anew in You.

Amen.

(still … I wouldn't say "no" to an iPhone … but wait … did I just undermine my whole point?)

New Year's Resolution

Grow in creating space for God.

(actually, 'twas my old year's resolution as well...)

Creating Space for God

I haven't posted very much recently for I have been consumed with completing two 20-25 page papers for my Doctor of Ministry studies. As I write this, I have less that 16 hours before they both must be mailed. One is finished and another has a ways to go. It's looking like an all-nighter and I'm BAD at all-nighters.

So, I'm taking a brief (VERY BRIEF) break and want to pass on some of what I've written.

We create space for God and his transforming work as we create space for his Word in our hearts and minds by his Spirit. These thoughts are not new to me and they’re certainly not new to the world of spiritual formation. God has uniquely ordained the Scriptures as a means by which he mediates his presence and ongoing work in us. To create space for his Word is to open ourselves to the coming of Christ in our lives. It is no accident that Jesus Christ is referred to as the Word. All of this is only possible by the work of the Holy Spirit for we cannot generate and create our own transformation. It is a grace received and the posture of reception is one of openness to this work of the Trinity.

Creating space, as a working image, speaks to at least three issues. First, one needs to literally set aside both time and space in order to receive. When we do so, we affirm our place in God’s world. And God has embraced this physicality which is connected to the spiritual life in his incarnation. Jesus, God in the flesh, came into time and space and regularly “created space” to be with his Father.

Secondly, we remove that which is filling the space in our hearts and mind which is not God. This can be anything from acts of purgation to strip all that hinders to simple words yielding up to God what is filling our hearts or preoccupying our minds in his place. We create space by destroying the idols we hold so dear. We create space by setting aside those good things that are just the gifts and not the Giver. We create space by intentionally yielding to God’s cleansing and transforming work.

Thirdly (and following from the second point), we must allow at least some of the created space to continue to be space. We do not fill this space with our words, our thoughts or even our study. Of course there must be a place for speaking to God, for thinking and for careful study. But it is not the role of created space. Silence. Waiting. Listening. These allow the space to be space.

Spiritual practices and rhythms such as lectio divina provide an intentional way to create space that encompasses all three of these issues. They require time and take place in the physical world. They demand focused presence free from any and all distractions. They are a place where we are spoken to rather than doing the speaking. The best of these practices incorporate the Scriptures as an essential means by which we listen and wait.

On a theological note I believe that “creating space” may be at the heart of how we cooperate with God in our spiritual formation. This is something that we do and it is essential for our growth, whatever form it takes. But the space itself has no merit and no inherent value. Much contemporary so-called spirituality is built on activities and practices designed to create space. But then either the space is just filled with the self or is simply valued in its own right. There is no openness to the God of the universe as revealed in Scripture. The wild, uncontrolled, untamed and boundlessly loving incoming of God into our created space is what makes this practice distinctly Christian. All the merit, all the value, all the abundance of God himself is provided by God alone. It is the integration with Scripture that assures that this practice is in fact an opening to the transforming work of the Father, Son and Spirit.

If we do not "create space" for God, we can delude ourselves into thinking that we are hearing from Him when in fact it is just our own self-mumbling.

The Hope of Glory

It's 2:20 in length. You've got time to watch it … and be encouraged.