Broken Pilgrim

Brewin' in the Wind II

I'm spending the day at Brewin' in the Wind II, a small coffee shop (formerly the Espresso Cafe) in Oceanside.

Listening to music that stirs my soul. Using The Divine Hours. Reading Scripture. Praying. Journaling. Solitude and Silence. And even a little blogging (finally!).

Coming in to this vacation, I've been torn up by some mistakes I've made in ministry, a person I've inadvertantly hurt … and I can't fix it until after this week. Actually, I really can't fix it at all.

And so my mind goes where it too often goes in such circumstances. Do I even belong in ministry? Do I bring anything truly worthwhile? The answer is … of course … no.

And then I come to THE PRAYER APPOINTED FOR THE WEEK from The Divine Hours. How appropriate that these words just "popped up" at this point in my journey.

Almighty and merciful God, it is only by your gift that your faithful people offer you true and laudable service: Grant that I may run without stumbling to obtain your heavenly promises; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.

I don't "belong" in ministry … on my own merit or ability. Rather it is the gift of God above.

Thanks be to God.

Gladification

Mmmm. Yes. Love that Spirit doing what He does in worship.

Good day.

Happy day.

His day.

Woke Up Early

Woke up early, real early, this morning without an alarm clock … that's just a sign of how stressed and obsessed I am. So I began to pray, journal and enter into my Lenten disciplines.

From the journal:

Oh, Lord. I am lost and at sea. I'm constantly being tossed around by all the little but big things going on.

• My relationship with You is stressed.
• My love for ministry is tenuous at best.
• My effectiveness in ministry has crashed.

Oh, Lord, deliver me, guide me, direct my steps.

And then I turned to the Morning Office in Eastertide and read/prayed THE CALL TO PRAYER:

I will call upon God, and the LORD will deliver me. God, who is enthroned of old, will hear me. (Psalm 55:17, 20 BCP)

No answers. But a simple experience of the undeniable presence of God for me here, now, today.

I Got Nothin'

But David Adam had a couple somethin's in today's reading from Forward to Freedom.

Very often we see a task that needs to be done and yet feel that somebody else should do it. We must take on responsibility for ourselves and for the vision that we have. When God calls us, God also prepares us and empowers us to do what God would have us do. (p. 42)

Today the church has almost all the resources it needs; what it lacks is the willpower to get up and act … God calls, man stalls. (p. 43)

"Join some great cause; you may not do much for it, but it will do a lot for you." (John Bright quoted on p. 44)

It's really easy to read this quotes and apply them to somebody else … which is rather ironic, don't you think?

Elijah Blues

It's the day after Easter and I have the Elijah blues. Actually, I count on it every year. "What," you ask, "are the Elijah blues?" Well, if you check out 1 Kings 18, Elijah has just had a decidedly successful R rated ministry day culminating in the slaughter of 450 prophets of Baal. (I wonder if we could get Mel Gibson to film that!)

So does Elijah celebrate with joy and increased confidence in his ministry? Nope. Jezebel ends up threatening him and Elijah just caves...literally. He flees for 40 days and nights until he gets to a cave at Mt. Horeb. (For the details see 1 Kings 19.) He's depressed, feeling alone and defeated just when it makes sense that he should feel the complete opposite. The Elijah blues.

I have found in all my years in ministry that any intense and wonderful run is nearly always followed by the Elijah blues. Being with anyone during the Elijah blues is generally characterized by a large degree of snarling. Rotten fruit of the spirit. So I lovingly remove myself from others for a day or so, recuperate with the Lord and then happily face the world again.

I've even sort of come to look forward to those days. Why? Because I always seem to meet God most powerfully and intensely when I'm singing the blues, in the midst of my brokenness.

Technorati tags: Depression, Elijah, Ministry, Slaughter, The Blues