Broken Pilgrim

Pray-As-You-Go

Hey everyone!

This past weekend, my good friend Mark Vulcano showed me this and I pass it on to you.

I can't recommend Pray-As-You-Go enough!

Click on the link or banner and you'll find a beautiful resource for meditative prayer using music and Scripture. You can download *.mp3's or *.wma's or get a podcast or even download an entire week's worth of prayer. It's provided by the Jesuits in Britain and lives into an Ignatian form of Spirituality.

Each file (one for each day of the work week) is about 10-13 minutes long. It begins with bells as a call to prayer and then moves to an appropriate piece of music to begin to focus on God. After a time a Scripture is read followed (with space) by questions for meditation. The Scripture is read a second time followed by further questions. Finally, after more space the prayer concludes with the Gloria Patri.

I'm planning on making this a piece of my journey. Join me.

Hunh!

Advent. Hunh!

Looks like I'll have to wait until next year …

Sabbath Rule

A part of my Rule is going to be making sure that the Sabbath principle is fully present. Now, I'm not a legalist on this issue but I do believe that, according to Jesus in Mark 2:27 (NIV), The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath. The Sabbath is for our good, for our spiritual refreshment. So, I'm still figuring out what this means and how it's related to real life.

Yesterday, Sunday, ostensibly the Sabbath, I watched Battlestar Galactica Season 2.0.

All of it.

That's 10 episodes.

I think that was probably outside the Rule.

Still there's always next week.

The Winter of My Discontent

I am discontented.

Almost all of the time.

Now, I've been discontented before. I've experienced many different causes for my discontent. Some of the key (read that as "happen over and over") ones are:

• Disconnection from God and the rhythms that keep me connected to Him.
• Lifting up things or activities or people as idols and trying to find my contentment in them.
• Circumstances that are difficult.

This last one is the hard one. What does it mean? Am I supposed to be learning anew the lesson of experiencing the presence of God in difficult times, of finding my contentment in God and God alone (Philippians 4:11-13)? Is God using the difficult circumstances to call for a change, to pursue new directions, to leap out in faith? Or is it both? Or is it something else entirely?

I don't know what my discontentment is all about. I'm thinking a lot. I'm praying a lot. I'm journaling a lot. I'm continuing to pursue those spiritual rhythms that give life.

But I haven't been blogging a lot. I hope to change that … again. The last thing I want, though, is to turn this blog into "Oh, poor pitiful me." That's not what this is about.

This I know. My life is what it is under the sovereign, loving hand of God.

This I know. God is still present.

This I know. I sure as hell need Him.

Withdrawal and Engagement

But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed. (Luke 5:16 NIV)

This is part of the rhythm that I've been exploring (and blogging about) in my spiritual life. What does it mean to withdraw? How do I do it? How much do I do it? Can I and will I do it?

Withdrawal is not simply pulling back. It's stopping all else so that we might experience the fullness of God. Because we are so prone to avoid this connection with God, we need to actively pursue withdrawal in our lives … so that we will engage authentically with Him.

But I think that there's a balance to this "withdrawal". One of the reasons that we withdraw to engage with God is that we might re-engage … with our brothers and sisters in the family of God … with our friends and neighbors and coworkers who are not yet in the family … with the needs of the world around us (see Matthew 25).

One of the ways I think we need to engage with the world around us it to intentionally "culture watch". To observe how things are viewed from perspectives that we may not share. To "culture watch" is to create potential paths of connection with those around us.

Media and the arts (which unfortunately are not co-equal) provide an avenue for this culture watch. On my other blog I've written about Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, a tv show that I'm watching with intentionality. Sarah Paulson is playing the character Harriet Hayes. The latest issue (October 6, 2006) of Entertainment Weekly had the following at #7 in their column The Must List: Ten Things We Love This Week:

7. Sarah Paulson on 'Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip': Her character - a devoutly religious comedy-show star - might turn out to be Studio 60's most complex and compelling character.

I'm watching. I'm engaging. Ultimately, this is actually part of the spiritual rhythms of my life.

One last thought, though. I try to be discerning about what I use for "culture watch". And sometimes I make mistakes. For example, watching the movie Eyes Wide Shut was a big, big mistake. Didn't learn anything and some of those images are still burned into my brain. I regret seeing the film.

However, I have no rigid guidelines to suggest on how and where to engage in this "culture watch" … each person will need to discern that with God for themself … but I do believe that a spirituality that is just living "eyes wide shut" ultimately devolves within itself to ineffectual irrelevance.

It's all about finding and integrating the rhythms of withdrawal and engagement.

God in Starbucks

This past weekend I had the delight of heading down to Indianapolis to catch Sufjan Stevens in concert and spend some time with my friends Bruce and PJ. On Sunday before church, I managed to catch some alone time with God at Starbucks. As I was reading through and praying the morning office from The Divine Hours, I found myself captured by THE REQUEST FOR PRESENCE:

Satisfy us by your loving-kindness in the morning; so shall we rejoice and be glad all the days of our life. (Psalm 90:14)

How easy it is to be "satisfied" by that which does not and cannot satisfy. I will never get this right completely, but I can certainly grow in it.

But I was struck by something here. Yes, God does the satisfying, but there is an implicit turning toward, receiving from Him … in the morning. This morning satisfaction in God's loving-kindness has the power to shape the day … and all days.

As someone who is quite definitely NOT a morning person, it's easy for me to delay turning my attention towards God. And quite frankly I CAN'T have intense times resting in God's presence early in the morning … I'm just not present …I'm still asleep. BUT I can set the course of my heart's journey for the day … for there is power in claiming the first of the morning as part of my spiritual rhythm.

    Psalm 108:1-5 (NIV) 
    A song. A psalm of David.

    My heart is steadfast, O God;
        I will sing and make music with all my soul.
    Awake, harp and lyre!
        I will awaken the dawn.
    I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations;
        I will sing of you among the peoples.
    For great is your love, higher than the heavens;
        your faithfulness reaches to the skies.
    Be exalted, O God, above the heavens,
        and let your glory be over all the earth.

(Although, I'm still not certain about that "dawn" part … )

Elijah Blues

It's the day after Easter and I have the Elijah blues. Actually, I count on it every year. "What," you ask, "are the Elijah blues?" Well, if you check out 1 Kings 18, Elijah has just had a decidedly successful R rated ministry day culminating in the slaughter of 450 prophets of Baal. (I wonder if we could get Mel Gibson to film that!)

So does Elijah celebrate with joy and increased confidence in his ministry? Nope. Jezebel ends up threatening him and Elijah just caves...literally. He flees for 40 days and nights until he gets to a cave at Mt. Horeb. (For the details see 1 Kings 19.) He's depressed, feeling alone and defeated just when it makes sense that he should feel the complete opposite. The Elijah blues.

I have found in all my years in ministry that any intense and wonderful run is nearly always followed by the Elijah blues. Being with anyone during the Elijah blues is generally characterized by a large degree of snarling. Rotten fruit of the spirit. So I lovingly remove myself from others for a day or so, recuperate with the Lord and then happily face the world again.

I've even sort of come to look forward to those days. Why? Because I always seem to meet God most powerfully and intensely when I'm singing the blues, in the midst of my brokenness.

Technorati tags: Depression, Elijah, Ministry, Slaughter, The Blues

Broken Pilgrim 5: The Road Goes Ever On and On…

In the summer of 2005, I was granted an 8 week sabbatical from my role as Director of Worship at Naperville Presbyterian Church. And I so needed it. I was absolutely shot on every level: physically, emotionally, relationally, mentally and definitely spiritually.

And so I began a journey to reconnect my soul with God. I put in place a couple classes, a couple silent retreats, readings, prayer, visits with friends old and new, travel to national parks and stuff like that...all things to seek to be present to God in order to again experience His presence. (Emphasis on the being and not doing.) And you know what? God met me. Big time. I don't know if it was because of my plan or in spite of my plan and like so many things, I don't care which. I'm just so freaking grateful for the deep nourishment from God. He didn't leave me hanging.

Essentially I learned two things (besides how to set up my new tent):

1. I was just as sinful and broken on spiritual sabbatical as I am back home.
2. God is just as present, real and active back home as He was on sabbatical.

And thus, Broken Pilgrim. I embrace my brokenness and I'm learning to live into seeking God's presence with all my heart. Early on during sabbatical I named my personal theme as "Collapsing into God." In my journal on July 18, I jotted down the following:

Collapsing into You, collapsing into You
Mercy and Grace, unchanging, ever new
I’m collapsing into You

And as I fall, it’s at Your feet
  and lay bare my broken soul
And when I fall, my heart wells up
  crying, holy, holy Lamb of God

Maybe not the most publishable of poems except on a personal blog, but it was an authentic expression of my heart as a Broken Pilgrim in response to God in that moment.

My hope and prayer is that this blog would edify through authentic, honest, open reflections on the journey.

Prolegomena Posts
Prefatory Remarks for Broken Pilgrim
First: Broken Pilgrim 1: Getting Started
Previous: Broken Pilgrim 4: Pilgrimage (collage)

Technorati tags: Sabbatical

Broken Pilgrim 4: Pilgrimage (image 4)

Rhythm

No. This image for pilgrimage is not about forming a drum circle. (Any who know me know that the idea of a drum circle, especially a forced one, just makes my skin crawl. Now don't get me wrong. I love drums. I love hand drums. I love bodhrans. I love lots of percussion and thingys that are pounded and shaken and scratched to get the groovin' rhythm into or out of a song. Just don't make me play any of these things so we can all have an experience!)

So what I mean in using rhythm here is that it's a helpful image for pursuing the pilgrim's way. Now in seeking a more "effective" spirituality, I could just come up with a massive yet different "to do" list that would help me to achieve the oxymoronic goal of spiritual greatness. Yeah. Right. That's just the inert "evangelical" way in another guise. As I said in the previous post, not really doing it for me.

However, I've come to believe that my rejection of "just do it" spirituality does not mean that my spirituality is to only be passive. (Well, yes, I kind of do, because I believe that God is the great Initiator, but just because He initiates everything doesn't mean that I become a spiritual couch potato.) There are rhythms and patterns to spiritual life and relationship that are healthy and nourishing, thirst quenching and hunger relieving. These are not tasks to be accomplished but rhythms to be lived into. Not doing. Being.

So…ultimately…

Spiritual pilgrimage is about searching for, finding, experiencing and establishing rhythms of being with God in all of life, whether alone or in community.

[In the interest of authenticity and integrity, I just want to confess to you right now that I really like how that last sentence sounds…which probably means that it's pretentious, subtly fallacious or just plain goofy…nah…I really DO like how it sounds AND what it says…so I'm gonna say it again.]

Spiritual pilgrimage
  is about
  searching for,
  finding,
  experiencing and
  establishing
Rhythms of Being
  with God
  in all of life,
  whether alone
  or in community.

The Rhythm of the Divine Hours

My beginnings in exploring the spiritual life as rhythm based has been through praying The Divine Hours (available in 3 collections: Springtime, Summertime and Autumn and Wintertime). The Divine Hours is just a contemporary expression of the ancient canonical office. The rhythm of praying the Morning Office, the Midday Office, Vespers and Compline has been nothing short of revolutionary for me.

Have I been faithful to always DO this? Nope. Not really concerned about that either. I refuse to turn this into a "to do" thing…it's gotta be rhythm and relationship. Just trying to find the beat, get into the dance and loving it when I do.

So right now, at this place on my journey, my ongoing search for rhythms (and not just rhythms but polyrhythms) has led to my exploring community and hospitality, Bible and prayer in new ways, the Bible as prayer, lectio divina and meditation, rest and Sabbath, silence and solititude…just for starters.

TODD RUNDGREN lyrics

In the immortal words of Todd Rundgren:

  I don't want to work.
  I want to bang
    on the drum all day.
  I don't want to play.
  I just want to bang
    on the drum all day.

What, you may ask, does this have to do with my image of rhythm for the pilgrimage? Well, the song always makes me smile. Any further analogies I leave to you, gentle reader.

So here I am. Trying to just be. Oh, and of course searching for my journey rhythms.

Prolegomena Posts
Prefatory Remarks for Broken Pilgrim
First: Broken Pilgrim 1: Getting Started
Previous: Broken Pilgrim 4: Pilgrimage (image 3)
Next: Broken Pilgrim 4: Pilgrimage (image 5)

Technorati tags: Bodhran, Canonical Office, Compline, Drum Circle, Lectio Divina, Polyrhythm, Rhythm, Vespers

Broken Pilgrim 4: Pilgrimage (image 2)

Home

One of the most incredible concerts I never saw was Talking Heads on their Stop Making Sense tour back in the 1980's. Pardon me. I should clarify. I never saw it LIVE. Now when it came to seeing it in the movie theater and then on video and now on DVD, I've seen this concert many, many times. (You should, too. There's plenty of links here to help you buy this. And own it you should. Because you need to watch it many, many times.)

TALKING HEADS lyrics

There is an amazingly beautiful moment in the concert where they've gathered around this floor lamp, with all its warm light, to sing This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody). The first line of the song simply says Home - is where I want to be. Yes. That really captured something inside me. I wanted to be there with them in that achingly beautiful homeness, a home I've never known. Somehow it evoked this longing for home inside me that I think we all have. I had NO idea what the song was about...and I really didn't (and don't) care. (In fact after checking out the lyrics, I STILL have no idea what the song is about.)

I think my pilgrimage is propelled forward by this longing for home. I'm sure of it.

Saint Augustine

Nos fecisti ad te et inquietum est cor nostrum donec requiescat in te.

Translated this means Thou hast made us for Thyself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee. I'll never, ever find home unless it is in God alone. This is not some hyperspiritual statement. This is warp and woof of who I am, of who we are.

Thomas à Kempis

Here thou hast no abiding city; and wherever thou shalt be, thou art a stranger and a pilgrim; nor wilt thou ever have rest except thou be united with Christ.

In realizing that I have no home here, I find my heart's true home. All part of the pilgrimage.

Prolegomena Posts
Prefatory Remarks for Broken Pilgrim
First: Broken Pilgrim 1: Getting Started
Previous: Broken Pilgrim 4: Pilgrimage (image 1)
Next: Broken Pilgrim 4: Pilgrimage (image 3)

Technorati tags: Augustine, Augustine of Hippo, Home, Saint Augustine, Talking Heads, Thomas à Kempis