Broken Pilgrim

Thanks

I suppose that I'm thankful for a lot of things — my family, my friends, my job, my health, my stuff. The usual suspects, you know.

But what am I really thankful for (besides the fact that's it's not illegal to end a sentence with a preposition)?

Out of HIs great mercy, grace and love, the Father has made me, even me, His child and forever I am. Jesus calls me friend and died to make it so. The Spirit counsels, comforts and teaches me every moment of every day. Oh, I'm not always dialed in to "words-can't-express-the wonder-of" this relationship. But the ever-glorious, ever-present, ever-faithful, ever-loving Trinity is. I'm so very thankful.

And I'm thankful that I'm thankful. How often have I treated all this as an important truth to be merely understood and believed. But today I'm grateful that it is THE TRUTH in which I live and find my being. There is no other. This is a thing of mystery and beauty from God and God alone.

Thanks be to God.

True Identity

From today's readings in Advent and Christmas: Wisdom from Henri J. M. Nouwen:

Jesus' whole message is to say that you are God's beloved child … When you can hear in your heart, not in your head, that you are truly God's beloved daughter, that you are truly God's beloved son, everything turns around. The mystery of this spiritual truth is that you were loved before you were born, and you will be loved after you die … Your dwelling in God's heart is a dwelling from eternity to eternity.

And that's a message of love and hope. An Advent message for today.

Sonship Week Journey, 2007

In October of 2007, I had the great privilege of attending World Harvest Mission's Sonship Week. I found the week and subsequent process to be intensely valuable to my spiritual journey. I posted on this weblog throughout the journey and as I look back, I can see important thoughts and experiences at each stage of my journey.

And so I've collected the links to those 14 posts so as to bring all together the posts that are directly connected to this experience. You can find them by clicking the link in the sidebar on the right, Sonship Week Journey, 2007 under the cleverly titled section, Pages (which will probably change in the future as I add more pages and content).

Good News for All of Us

[Thirteenth post in Sonship Week Journey, 2007 (SWJ) series]
[First post: SWJ 01: Sonship Week]

(World Harvest, sponsors of Sonship Week, asked me to write an article describing my experience. Here it is.)

NOT ME

Late summer and it was approaching. Just sitting there in my peripheral awareness. Friends were going. I’d even received an e-mail from my good friend Patric asking me to consider my part. But it probably wasn’t for me. After all, I didn’t need it that badly, right?

For you see, I’ve been fortunate (and grateful) to find my journey to have been in a wonderful grace filled church for the last 17+ years. Over the years my experience of God’s grace and the gospel has truly deepened and it continues to amaze me. So Sonship Week, 2007? Not so much for me.

But as summer moved into fall, I started thinking, “You know, I do like grace. Maybe I could go and get something fresh out of the week. You know, kind of a refresher course. Maybe even learn how I can better pass it on to others.” And after all, I had been facing difficult times in life that were pressing in on me. Now might be a good time, after all.

Little did I know what God had in store.

THE DRAGON

Do you remember the story of Eustace in Voyage of the Dawn Treader? The boy Eustace has become a dragon with a very painful gold bracelet around his foreleg. Aslan leads him to a well where Eustace tries to scratch off the ugly scales that form his hide. And of course he fails to get the job done. Not until he invites Aslan to do a deep work, a painful work, ripping off his dragon’s hide, does he find relief from the hurt, find healing and experience a return to the boy he was meant to be.

I think I came prepared to scratch at the scales. But as the week progressed, I discovered anew that I, too, was a dragon who couldn’t come close to dealing with the ugliness of my own heart.

THE JOURNEY

Throughout the week we had the great opportunity to sit under some wonderful, thought-provoking and life-stretching teaching on the heart of the gospel. Peculiar People shared sketches that continued to shed light on the gospel through humor and drama. Worship in song allowed all of us to continue to look to Christ and the cross even while we were in the midst of painful sick-self-discovery. Time alone to reflect allowed God to speak to us right in the context of our week.

All of these paths were an important part of my week. However, most significant to me was the daily mentoring times with my assigned discipler, Scotty Smith. In this tough, gentle, challenging, safe, gospel-centered hour, we explored what God was saying to me about the condition of my own soul, about how the gospel really was such incredible good news, yes, even for me, 17 years into ministry at my home church. My eyes were opened to areas of sin that I had been denying or just couldn’t see. (Shall we name some of them? Self-centeredness, self-sufficiency, anger, contempt, hatred, pride, arrogance, unloving for starters.) I began to understand that the ongoing difficult experiences in my life were God’s playing field to expose deeper sins than I had been willing to admit. All so that God might work true freedom and transformation in my soul. All because He loves me more deeply than I could ever imagine.

YOU’RE SAFE!

The mentoring time was really a microcosm of the entire week’s experience. For me, everything was characterized by being a totally safe community. I can honestly say that I have never before experienced this level of a sense of safety with others as I did during Sonship Week. It was this gospel-based, loving, relational approach that let me look at the hard things in my soul.

And it was this safety that let me collapse. All that God had been speaking into me through so many avenues came to a crisis point on Friday. Now, I’m fine with admitting that I have cried or wept. I’m not so good with letting others actually see it. But at the final communion service on Friday morning, I found myself completely undone, weeping with grief over life’s pains and genuine sorrow over the newly discovered depths of sin in my life.

And so I collapsed. But the beauty of that moment, of that day, of my ongoing journey, is that I collapsed into God and discovered new depths of the gospel, the gospel for me. Collapse did not mean despair, but discovery. I suspect that I could or would not have gone there had it not been that I knew I was safe.

WHAT’S NEXT

So whew! Now I’m done. Thank goodness. I’ve finally got that covered, right? (You can stop laughing and pick yourself up off the floor now.) Of course not. This is a lifelong journey, pressing into the gospel, having the gospel press into me. But I’m growing in my repentance. I’m growing in seeing the good news in life’s difficulties. I’m growing in experiencing the love of Jesus. And I’m growing in hope. For as Scotty said during the week, “You are destined to be as lovely and as loving as Jesus.”

That’s good news for all of us.

[Previous post: SWJ 12: God Destroyed My Phone]
[Next post: SWJ 14: Recycling]

God Destroyed My Phone

[Twelfth post in Sonship Week Journey, 2007 (SWJ) series]
[First post: SWJ 01: Sonship Week]

Well maybe.

As I reflect back on the past couple weeks and the journey I've taken, I was thinking about that long drive home, 10½ hours alone with God.

Now, if I tell the whole story, the reality was that even though I had fled after the morning meetings, by the time I was a few hours into the trip back, I really, really, really wanted to talk to someone. I longed for someone, anyone to call me. No one did.

Unfortunately (or so I felt then), I couldn't call anyone else. I only had 3 phone numbers in my new phone. (I already posted WHY I had a new cell phone and how my old one was destroyed.) For 2 of the numbers I knew that they were truly busy and wouldn't/couldn't take a phone call. So I tried calling Bill (the only other number on my phone). No answer. Sigh.

But what was really going on? Whether or not I wanted to admit it, I needed to spend that time with God and God alone. Not to turn my needs and desires to other people. Don't get me wrong … relationships are important and are a wonderful gift from God. BUT sometimes I know that I let my friendships supplant my most significant and life giving relationship.

God was saying, "I'm enough for you. Let's be with each other and just sit together." So even as God chased me in the morning as described in the Collapse post, He continued all day and evening His relentless pursuit of my heart and affections.

And maybe, just maybe, the chase had begun a week earlier … when my phone was taken out of the equation … just so that I would be with Him.

Worth every penny.

[Previous post: SWJ 11: Ultimate Song of Hope]
[Next post: SWJ 13: Good New for All of Us]

Ultimate Song of Hope

[Eleventh post in Sonship Week Journey, 2007 (SWJ) series]
[First post: SWJ 01: Sonship Week]

And then came Saturday. After a good night's sleep, I began to live forward into the hope that the cross promises, the hope of the ongoing and everlasting presence of Jesus.

Had a good worship rehearsal Saturday morning preparing for Sunday and then had to work down in my office for the rest of the day. One of the things I did was track down a song that we sang at Sonship Week, Revelation Song. This is a song of hope and I ended up playing it all afternoon. (I even threw it in the worship service at the last minute on Sunday morning … something I never do! Lord, have mercy, it must be a new day!)

The final destination of seeing our sin in light of the gospel is always worship … and our actual final destination in eternity is worship around the throne. And so I'm living with this song today looking at the hope of my future.

You can find this song by Jennie Riddle on Glorious from Christ for the Nations Institute. Here's the lyrics:

Worthy is the Lamb who was slain
Holy, holy is He
Sing a new song to Him who sits on
Heaven's mercy seat

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord, God Almighty
Who was and is and is to come
With all creation I sing,
  "Praise to the King of Kings!"
You are my everything, and I will adore You

Clothed in rainbows of living color,
Flashes of lightning, rolls of thunder
Blessing and honor, strength and
  glory and power be
To You the only wise King

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord, God Almighty
Who was and is and is to come
With all creation I sing,
  "Praise to the King of Kings!"
You are my everything, and I will adore You

Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder
At the mention of Your name
Jesus, Your name is Power,
  Breath and Living Water
Such a Marvelous mystery

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord, God Almighty
Who was and is and is to come
With all creation I sing,
  "Praise to the King of Kings!"
You are my everything, and I will adore You

[Previous post: SWJ 10: Song of Hope No. 3]
[Next post: SWJ 12: God Destroyed My Phone]

Song of Hope No. 2

[Ninth post in Sonship Week Journey, 2007 (SWJ) series]
[First post: SWJ 01: Sonship Week]

The second Over the Rhine song that got so much play during my drive home on Friday was Changes Come (also by Karin Bergquist). You can find it on the studio release Ohio and the live recording Changes Come. I've actually been listening to this song for quite some time. First time was in a car in a parking lot with Kirk Luttrell … when it was over, I just said, "Play it again!" … moving words and in the live version, one of the best guitar solos ever. But back to the point.

I've always been moved by this song because it names our real condition here in this world. Changes are constantly coming and life is hard. We long for the world to be turned around, changed and even for all that is a mess to be brought down. As we walk through a cryptic poetic version of Karin's life and the changes in her story, we are reminded of our own journeys, our own stories. (Of course when I say "we" I mean "me".)

Then comes the lines that lift the whole song to an incredible song of hope: Jesus come, turn the world around; Jesus come, lay my burden down; Jesus come, turn this world around; Jesus come, bring the whole thing down, bring it down. And the music and vocals carried the intensity of this cry. Even the guitar solo serves as a prayer of longing that Jesus would come.

This was certainly my cry in the car in the dark … Jesus come … bring down all my sin and my idols and my failures … do the work that I cannot do … turn my world completely around. He has been. He continues to.

Here are the complete lyrics. Warning: There is quite strong language in the song at one point.

Changes come
Turn my world around
Changes come
Turn my world around

I have my father's hand
I have my mother's tongue
I look for redemption in everyone

I wanna wear your ring
I have a song to sing
It ain't over babe
In fact it's just begun

Changes come
Turn my world around
Changes come
Bring the whole thing down

I wanna have our baby
Somedays I think that maybe
This ol' world's too fucked up
For any firstborn son

There is all this untouched beauty
The light the dark both running through me
Is there still redemption for anyone

Jesus come
Turn the world around
Jesus come
Lay my burden down

Jesus come
Turn this world around
Jesus come
Bring the whole thing down
Bring it down

[Previous post: SWJ 08: Song of Hope No. 1]
[Next post: SWJ 10: Song of Hope No. 3]

Song of Hope No. 1

[Eighth post in Sonship Week Journey, 2007 (SWJ) series]
[First post: SWJ 01: Sonship Week]

On my drive home from Sonship Week as I was such a mess, I found myself listening to 3 songs over and over and over. They were all by Over the Rhine and I even had live versions of a couple of them. So I found myself shuffling 5 CD's repeatedly, even in the dark at the end of the drive.

There's a sense in which these songs are modern day psalms. Very real. Very emotional. Pictures of brokenness and images of hope.

The first song I listened to was Poughkeepsie which is found on Good Dog Bad Dog and was written by Karin Bergquist. The song begins in a place of great sorrow as the singer longs to commit suicide and "ride on the backs of the angels". I found myself resonating with the deep sadness expressed in the song. [Disclaimer: This is not some hidden cry for help as I contemplate suicide. I'm not. But I have been drowning in my sorrow and in my fear in life.]

The hard reality that Sonship has been teaching me is how much of my sorrow and fear is rooted in unrepented self-centeredness. And that's the next place that the song goes … being "drunk on self-pity". Yup. Me. But that awareness is no answer, is no cause for hope.

The final verse of Poughkeepsie makes a turn. "Then the skies, they fell open and my eyes were opened to a world of hope falling at my feet." The unmerited, unexpected, undeserved inbreaking of hope from God … and the call to ride on the backs of the angels every night.

And so I listened over and over to this song of hope and heard God's voice to me, saw the skies open and collapsed into deep running hope.

Tomorrow I'll write about Song of Hope No. 2, but for now here are the complete lyrics for Poughkeepsie.

I thought I'd go up Poughkeepsie,
look out o'er the Hudson,
and I'd throw my body down on the river.
And I'd know no more sorrow,
I'd fly like the sparrow
and I'd ride on the backs of the angels tonight.

I'd ride on the backs of the angels tonight.
I'd take to the sky with all my might.
No more drowning in my sorrow,
no more drowning in my fright,
I'd just ride on the backs of the angels tonight.

There are those who know sorrow
and those who must borrow
and those whose lot in life is sweet.
Well I'm drunk on self-pity,
scorned all that's been given me,
I would drink from a bottle labeled Sure Defeat.

I'd ride on the backs of the angels tonight.
I'd take to the sky with all my might.
No more drowning in my sorrow,
no more drowning in my fright,
I'd just ride on the backs of the angels tonight.

Then the skies, they fell open
and my eyes were opened
to a world of hope falling at my feet.
Now I've no more or less
than anyone else has,
what I have is a gift of life I can't repeat.

So I go up Poughkeepsie,
look out o'er the Hudson
and I cast my worries to the sky.
Now I still know sorrow,
but I can fly like the sparrow
'cause I ride on the backs of the angels tonight.

I ride on the backs of the angels tonight.
I take to the sky with all their might.
No more drowning in my sorrow,
no more drowning in my fright,
I'll just ride on the backs of the angels each night.

[Previous post: SWJ 07: Collapse]
[Next post: SWJ 09: Song of Hope No. 2]

Collapse

[Seventh post in Sonship Week Journey, 2007 (SWJ) series]
[First post: SWJ 01: Sonship Week]

The intensity of Sonship Week finally caught up with me the last day (yesterday). Sadness and sorrow were nearly overwhelming for me as God continued to speak deeply into my life. And I collapsed under the weight of the truth.

As we moved into a closing communion service, I could not bear to face my friends. Not because of them. It was all me. And so when we were invited to spread throughout the space, I moved as far away as possible. There I could safely weep.

Now God certainly has a sense of humor, even in such times. Once I was safely ensconced all alone, Patric (who was serving communion) ended up crossing the auditorium and moving all the way to the back … right where I was. And so my friends found themselves all coming to Patric … and walking right by me.

More important than His sense of humor is God's unrelenting pursuit of our hearts for Him. For God met me through these friends. A hand on a shoulder from Nate. Receiving the body and blood of our Lord from Patric and then gracious, supporting, transforming prayer from Patric and Jennifer.

And yet I continued to collapse, not yet seeing or feeling or acknowledging the hand of God. Fleeing the final meeting, I began the 10½ hour drive home. All alone. God, in His tenderness, continued to speak to me. In the silence. In the weeping. In the longing prayers. In three songs (future posts) that I played over and over and over. In this state of collapse.

Now listen. Here is the point. Here is yet more of the glory of the gospel.

When I collapsed, I collapsed into God.

For He was there to catch me … even though I didn't know it at the time.

And my friends caught me in His name.

And I know I am treasured. By the One, the only One who holds and transforms and redeems all my sorrow and sadness.

I am thankful for my friends, dearer than I ever knew.

I am thankful for God, more truly loving than I ever knew.

[Previous post: SWJ 06: Can't Get It Out of My Head]
[Next post: SWJ 08: Song of Hope No. 1]

Can't Get It Out of My Head

[Sixth post in Sonship Week Journey, 2007 (SWJ) series]
[First post: SWJ 01: Sonship Week]

As I have been stumbling and fumbling forward in this glorious Sonship Week, I have not been able to get the chorus of Born by Over the Rhine out of my head.

I was born to laugh,
  I learned to laugh
    through my tears

I was born to love,
  gonna learn to love
    without fear

So much in these simple words. As the wounds of my soul have been exposed and the tears have fallen, there is the hint, the aroma, the hope of a deep running joy, joy given. As I've seen what a hateful man I am, I know that is not what I was made for. The story and reality of the gospel tells me, assures me that I'm going to learn to love, truly love, without fear … secure in the only place where security can be found … the loving arms of my Father in heaven.

[Previous post: SWJ 05: Hard Truths]
[Next post: SWJ 07: Collapse]